]

Ive put these here as they should give everyone at work A good old giggle

To save you printing off everyone,
If you only want to print one,
Then just highlight it,
Then go Edit,
Copy,
"Then open for example"
"Word or Open a new E-mail message,& go Edit, Paste,
Failing that just Print the whole lot If you Want.

Click here for work 2
Click here for Amusing Problem Solving Chart

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Join Adult Friend Finder - largest Adult Personals with over 1 million members World wide!

Friend Finder is actually FREE to join NO CREDIT CARD'S either
No girls it's not another Porn site.

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is When you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to
get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU
BEFORE OR NOT
Thanks to Batman1

Gender: Female Male Preference: Heterosexual Gay Bisexual Purpose: Marriage Serious relationship Friendship Sex Travel Country: USA Canada Algeria Argentina Aruba Australia Austria Belarus Belgium Bolivia Bosnia and Herzegovina Brazil Bulgaria Chile China Colombia Costa Rica Croatia Cuba Cyprus Czech Republic Denmark Ecuador El Salvador Egypt Estonia Finland France Germany Greece Guatemala Haiti Hungary Iceland India Ireland Israel Italy Jamaica Japan Kenya Korea Latvia Lithuania Mexico Morocco Namibia Netherlands New Zealand Nicaragua Norway Paraguay Peru Philippines Poland Porto Rico Portugal Romania Republica Dominicana Russia Serbia Singapore Slovakia Slovenia South Africa Spain Sweden Switzerland Taiwan Tanzania Thailand Turkey Ukraine United Kingdom Uruguay Venezuela Age: -

How to have fun at the expense of others:

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for illegal drugs."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to
others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions
"to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to
your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email
correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints
by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin.
When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow
down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
Thanks to Janie in San Francisco

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more Specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster
is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because
they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't
you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were
any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald
Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Thanks to Batman1

CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS - DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN'T

Take 3 minutes and try this - it will freak you out

The person who sent this said her wish came true 10 minutes after they read the mail.
But no cheating !!!!

This game has a funny / creepy outcome
Don't read ahead just do it

It takes about 3 minutes - Worth a try

First get pen and paper

When you finally choose names, make sure it's people you actually know, and go with your first instincts!!!!!

Scroll down one line at the time - don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun

1. First, write numbers 1 through 11 in a column

2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any 2 numbers you want

3. Besides the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex

DON'T LOOK AHEAD OR IT WON'T TURN OUT RIGHT

4. Write anyone's name ( like friends or family .....) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spot

DON'T CHEAT OR YOU'LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID

5. Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10, and 11

6. Finally make a wish

And there is the key of the game

1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game

2. The person in space 3 is the one you love

3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out

4. You care most about the person you put in 4

5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well

6. The person you named in 6 is the your lucky star

7. the song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3

8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7

9. The 10th space is the song that tells you most about your mind

10. And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life

Send this to 10 people within the hour you read this.
If you do, your wish will come true.
If you don't it will become the opposite Bloody strange but it seems to work
www.thehumorzone.co.uk

Signs
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Thanks to Brian Duffield

"FRIENDSHIP"
I had some free time, so what did I do? I checked the computer to see if I'd heard from you. I used to walk out to a box to retrieve mail But I'd rather get it instantly than wait on the snail...

Checking my email is always fun I usually get a joke or greeting from someone. I feel so blessed because on the other end I know I've connected with a friend.

When I've had a hard day and need to share Here I can find a friend who will listen and care. And to this friend I hope I've let them know That I am always there for them also.

Isn't it a strange kind of bond we form? It isn't exactly like the "norm" But where is it written, face to face we have to be For you to be a very good friend to me?

That little joke, or note, or even just a simple "Hi" Could be like a ray of sunshine from the sky.

So my online pals, this is dedicated to you For all the smiles you have made anew. May our friendship continue to grow and the warmth we feel continue to flow.

Always remember this.... A smile is such an easy thing To pass along the way, Like a ray of summer sunshine On a somewhat gloomy day.

So pass it on and make someone smile.

OLD is when... ..your sweetie says,
"Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
..your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
..the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".
..a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
..you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
..going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
..you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
..when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
..when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
.."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
.."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
.. an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Thanks to Janie in San Francisco

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened around the home, ...she moved.

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? ...It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? ..."Look!They spelled MACY'S wrong!

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? ....Because it said "concentrate."

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? ...They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? ...A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? ...Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity? ...4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

What do you call a basement full of blondes? ...A whine cellar.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? ..."This Goes In Front".

And the best one for last....
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios? ..."Oh, look!! Donut seeds!
Thanks to Brian Duffield in Canada.

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." 15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Thanks to Mark Gunter

THE MAN QUIZ

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetiser is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You da MAN!"

This is a Letter that was sent to a couples former business partner,
after he aledgedly stung them for all there life savings & made them bankrupt.
Revenge is sweet
The culprit can be contacted at Hopper65@aol.com

FOR YOU TO SUCCEED First, lie on your back, get comfy!
This will be a cinch... lie on a bed with your ass at the bottom edge of the bed so that your head is just about in the center of the bed. Next, lift your legs up and above your head so that your feet are resting fairly high on the wall behind you and your stanky pee-stick is positioned above your head several inches away.
This much is easy, and any reasonably flexible asshole like yourself should be able to replicate it.
Next comes the hard part.
Slowly walk your hairy legs down the wall, inching your juicy hawg closer to your mouth. This may put a considerable strain on the lower back and on the neck, (however I KNOW you won't mind a little strain, you constipated bastard!)
I recommend caution, but the reward is well worth the effort. Eventually, you can reach your scabby muscle with your thrush- encrusted tongue. It is good at this point to spend several minutes simply licking the head of your now-pumped-up 2-inch wee winky-dinky moistening it and letting it grow harder,as well as allowing the back and neck to become used to the awkward position. (SAY! ...you're USED to being in awkward positions!)
After this period of foreplay (I suppose the term is appropriate here, you DO love yourself to death!) ...you can now move on to the real fun. Now begin to flex your knees, (remember, you are NOT getting ready to kick some poor client in in the ASS again!) ...pushing your 'main man' against your lips. At this point, you may wish to jiggle that sweaty nut-sack of yours against your nose, as they should be hanging in your face, and while you're at it, take a good SNIFF of your own skanky-ass stink which others ALWAYS have to put up with.
About now, you should be able to deep-throat your teeny weinie and really shove it into that rotten feed-funnel; God only KNOWS you can't possibly fuck yourself with that needle-dick. Now you can manage to fuck yourself in that smegma-coated mouth you've got, oh, say, for five to ten minutes before the lower back pain becomes unbearable, but I URGE you to keep going! The pain will only be temporary, (unlike the pain of those of us who have had the unfortunate experience of meeting your acquaintance.) Keep in mind your short-lived suffering pain will soon make way to a great reward, as you very soon will become the dried-up, dick-lickin' cum- guzzlin' queen you deserve to be. The important thing is practice, practice, practice.
Now, go BLOW YOURSELF, FUCK-FACE!
E-mail : Hopper65@aol.com
Just say Hi from 2 of your victims "Kevin & Janie"

Thanks to Wascally Wabbitt in San Francisco

There only two things to worry about, either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.
Whether you will get well or you will die.
If you get well there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two thing to worry about.
Whether you go to heaven or hell.
If you go too heaven there is nothing to worry about.
And if you go too hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with old friends,
You won't have time to worry.

SO WHY WORRY ???

Thanks Kia in Swindon Uk

SEX SIGNS
Aries women:
Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want -intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.

Aries men:
Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favorite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.

Taurus women:
You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting...hmmmm!

Taurus men:
He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back offhis neck.

Gemini women:
Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your behavior because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favorite gadget: the vibrator.

Gemini men:
He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favorite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.

Cancer women: Will never make the first move, but can be a marvelous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favorite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!

Cancer men:
His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed; likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it is as much traveling to a place as it is arriving.

Leo women:
Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!

Leo men:
Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay only when he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.

Virgo women:
You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favorite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.

Virgo men:
Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pajamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: his buttocks.

Libra women: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist.You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.

Libra men:
Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!

Scorpio women:
Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavored lubricating gels, and vibrators.

Scorpio men:
A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.

Sagittarius women:
You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes!

Sagittarius men: Sex is rarely an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's calves and thighs, and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings.

Capricorn women:
Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.

Capricorn men:
Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!). Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.

Aquarius women:
A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favorite sex position: standing up, and in water.

Aquarius men:
Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though - a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!

Pisces women:
Always make the right moves, say the right things, and creates the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Loves soft candelites, warm fireplaces, mystery, applies Romanticism in all she does. A true romantic at heart. Favorite places: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.

Pisces men:
Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet
Thanks to Dana

A survey asked women: "What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

They responded...
"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"
Thanks to Dana

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.

By taking a few minutes each day for a week
preceding the exam and
doing the following practice exercises, you will be
totally prepared for
the test, and best of all, you can do these simple
practice exercises
rightin your home.

EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the
main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam
the door shut as hard as
possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold
that position gor five
seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't
effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of
the cement floor is just
perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie
comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car, ask a
friend to slowly back
the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger
into the room. Press the bookends against one of
your breasts. Smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an
appointment with the
stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.

Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause-
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

....and when we have real trouble, it's
HYSterectomy.

Thanks to "Wascally Wabbit"

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

"One for the ladies

Q. Why are men like Mascara?
A. They usually run at the First sign of emotion.

Q. Why are men like miniskirts?
A. If your not carefull, they will creep up your leg.

Q. Why are men like Horoscopes?
A. They always tell you what to do, & are usually wrong.

Q. Why are men like chocolate bars?
A. Sweet smooth, & always head straight for your Legs.

Q. Why are men Like computers?
A. Hard to figure out, & they never have enough memory.

Q. Why are men like place mats?
A. They only show up when theres food on the table.

Q. Why are men like coffee?
A. The best ones are Rich n Warm, & can keep you up all night.

Q. Why are men like vacations?
A. They never seem to last long enough.

Q. Why are men like floors?
A. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for at least forty years.

Q. Why are men like vacuum cleaners?
A. There not much fun, but there easy to push around.

Q. Why cant men get mad Cows Disease?
A. Cause there all male Chauvanist Pigs.

Q. How do you put a gleam in a mans face?
A. Shine a torch in his ear.

Q. Why do men like fishing so much?
A. Because its the only time someone will say to them, cor thats a Big One.

Men Jokes

A mobile phone is the only subject that will have men argueing over who has the smallest one.

Adam & Eve.
Adam came first...But men always do, dont they Girls.

Outside every thin Blonde girl, theres a Bald Fat man trying to get in.

Thanks to "Roberta in Wales"

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on
well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear
underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply
your a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of
person who'd kill themselves to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money.
You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy
a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try
anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail
and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the
welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But
you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are
usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you
an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out
of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are
your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your
nose. You always have snot on your clothes.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You
are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on
incest.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean
self-centred cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is
probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the
legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a
transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing
fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You
have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people
consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually
fail. You're a prick.