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Click here for more Jokes
"FRIENDSHIP"
I had some free time, so what did I do? I checked the computer to see
if I'd heard from you. I used to walk out to a box to retrieve mail But
I'd rather get it instantly than wait on the snail...
Checking my email is always fun I usually get a joke or greeting from someone. I feel so blessed because on the other end I know I've connected with a friend.
When I've had a hard day and need to share Here I can find a friend who will listen and care. And to this friend I hope I've let them know That I am always there for them also.
Isn't it a strange kind of bond we form? It isn't exactly like the "norm" But where is it written, face to face we have to be For you to be a very good friend to me?
That little joke, or note, or even just a simple "Hi" Could be like a ray of sunshine from the sky.
So my online pals, this is dedicated to you For all the smiles you have made anew. May our friendship continue to grow and the warmth we feel continue to flow.
Always remember this.... A smile is such an easy thing To pass along the way, Like a ray of summer sunshine On a somewhat gloomy day.
So pass it on and make someone smile.
A couple who had been married for many years
just returned from an evening out with some friends. The wife was in the
kitchen preparing a chicken for the next days meal. The husband walks through
the kitchen and she starts yelling to him about his incessant flatulence.
"Damn you," she carps. "You have humiliated me in front of our friends for
the last time. Your farting is the most disgusting thing... you don't even
try to muffle them. I warn you, one of these days you are going to fart
your guts out." With that, the husband leaves the kitchen and goes to bed.
Within minutes she can hear him snoring and farting in bed from the kitchen.
As she cleans the chicken, she suddenly has an idea. She takes the chicken
guts and sneaks into the bedroom where she carefully slides them into the
back of her husband's pajama bottoms, then quietly makes her way back to
the kitchen. A short time later she hears her husband's blood-curdling scream.
She races to the bedroom to see him dash into the bathroom. "What on earth
is the matter, dear?", she asks knowingly. After a few moments he opens
the door and replies, "Well, you were right. But with God's help and these
two fingers I think I got everything back in place!"
Thanks to Diane Miller
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& FREE to view your Potential date's, Including their Photograph.
Roy.P The Humor Zone
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some Crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her Crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily tossed one leg up on his chair arm."Want some of this?" she purred. "Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up
Thanks to "Brian Hyde"
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Thanks to "chaniquoi"
Written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella,
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella,
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green.
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the balls to call me colored?
Thanks to "chaniquoi"
Hot off the Press!!
Yesterday!!, scientists for Health Canada,
suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis,
Which revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the findings,
100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that
100% of the men gained weight,
Talked excessively without making sense,
Became overly emotional,
Couldn't drive,
Failed to think rationally,
Argued over nothing,
And refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Thanks to "Brian Hyde"
One for the Ladies
Why do Men resemble Computers?
Because they have plenty of Ram
But not enough Memory
Deep in the Everglades
Two guys were in a rowing boat in the Florida Everglades when an alligator comes alongside them with its mouth wide open. Watch this ! says guy number 1, and takes his dick out of his trousers and rubs it several times on the roof of the gator's mouth and on its tongue. Then he pulls it out just as the jaws snap shut. The 2nd guy is speechless at what he has just seen. Would you like to try it? says guy 1 to guy 2. I'd love to says guy2, but I can't open my mouth that wide !!
From Mal Goodman, Leeds, England
The old lady in the nursing home
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like vroom vroom like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old retired cop jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old cop jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls, weaving all over. As she comes to the old cops room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breath-alyzer test again!"
Thanks to "Barbara Puma"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned Miss."
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading;
"Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A twelve year old boy walks into a whore house holding a hundred dollar bill and a dead frog. He walks over to an employee and says, "Give me your best whore, I hear Mable is good, give me her." He goes in and does his deed, when he walks out the whore master says to him, "Why did you take Mable, she has the most diseases, and why are you carrying that dead frog?" The boy stands there and says, "Well you see, my parents are going out tonight and I will have a baby sitter, when she's there I'll get some from her. And when my parents get there my dad will bring her home, and on the way he's gonna screw her. Then later when my dad gets home he'll do it with my Mom. And finally when my dad leaves for work in the morning my Mom will do it with the milk man, AND THAT'S THE SON OF A BITCH THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!!!
By,
Brian Bishop
The Millennium Bug Tune
Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation,
We awaited The Bug, the Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think they were snug in their beds,
others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC and I with my Mac
had just logged on the Net and kicked back with a snack,
When over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash,
off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes should I see?
My good old Mac looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K Bug!!!
His image downloaded in no time at all,
he whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!!"
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, and Pentium, too!
All processors big, all processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!!
All the controls that planes need for their flights,
all microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
out through the modem, he came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, and slung on his back
was a sackful of virus, set for attack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
As midnight approached, though, things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face and a round little belly,
and his sack filled with virus quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning,
and I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink,
all things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line,
he caused such a disruption, could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all, Kiss your PC's goodbye!!!
Thanks to "JrUiN21"
The Baloney Song...........
Oscar "Clinton" Mayer
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I - did - not - inhale."
His baloney has a second name,
"I - wasn't - getting- tail."
He loves to sling it every day.....,
The White House people all just say.....,
"That Billy Clinton has - a - way
Of making bullshit sound OK!
Scared Straight
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him,
when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the fuck did the Chicken do?"
The New Secretary.
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Thanks to "JrUiN21"
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space.
"In the error messages that appear in Windows."
Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intending to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
"Thanks to "JrUiN21" for this one.
Theres a £50 pound note laid in the street
along walks father christmas
the perfect woman
& the perfect man
who picks the £50 up first?
The perfect man
Because the other two do not exist
Thanks to C.johnstone for this next one.
There was a tax man going round the doors.
He came to one and knocked a boy answered,
The tax man asked if he could talk to his mum and he said no she's busy.
Then he asked if he could talk to his dad and he said no he's busy.
Then he asked if he had a big brother and he said yes but he's busy.
The tax man asked if there was anybody else there,
And the boy said that there were policemen there, but there busy too.
"Who can I talk to!!"
Shouted the tax man.
"Shh" "there busy looking for me."
"Two Nuns"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door. "Nice tits", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?".
Little Boy & the Pope
There's this very religious young boy who is going to the Vatican with his mum to see the Pope. The boy is a bit worried about whether or not they will see the Pope amongst the thousands of people. So his mum says "Don't worry son, the Pope is a big football fan so I'll buy you a Middlesbrough strip, the Pope will see the famous Middlesbrough colours and he'll talk to you. So they buy the strip and the boy has it on while they are standing in the crowd as the Pope goes along in his Popemobile. Next thing John Paul stops the Popemobile and gets out to talk to a different little boy wearing a Manchester Utd top. Then he gets back into the mobile and it drives right past the Middlesbrough fan. The little boy is very upset and is in tears. Don't worry says his mum I'll buy you a Manchester Utd strip, we'll come back tomorrow and then the Pope is guaranteed to stop and talk to you. So they are back the next day now wearing the Manchester Utd shirt. The Popemobile comes along and the boy is all excited. Next thing the Popemobile stops, then John Paul gets out, bends down to talk to the little boy and says "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday."