"FUNNIES TWO"

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Click here for Funnies.
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As this site is just a hobby it takes me, an awful lot of time & money to try & keep it updated. Thankyou.

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How to have fun at the expense of others or how to really irritate people.
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Specify that you drive-through order is "to go".
3. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sensual massage."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping you car windscreen wipers running In all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with prophecy".
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the background colour on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Did you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind it's gone now."
25. Wherever possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. When making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your driveway pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.

 

A TRANSCRIPT OF THE NEW ANSWERING SERVICE RECENTLY INSTALLED AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE.

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline: -
If you are obsessive-compulsive - press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent - please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities - press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid - we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional - press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic - listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive - it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic - press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder - please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia - press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder - slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder - please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss - press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss - press 9.
If you have low self-esteem - please hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you."