"FUNNIES"

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Gender: Female Male Preference: Heterosexual Gay Bisexual Purpose: Marriage Serious relationship Friendship Sex Travel Country: USA Canada Algeria Argentina Aruba Australia Austria Belarus Belgium Bolivia Bosnia and Herzegovina Brazil Bulgaria Chile China Colombia Costa Rica Croatia Cuba Cyprus Czech Republic Denmark Ecuador El Salvador Egypt Estonia Finland France Germany Greece Guatemala Haiti Hungary Iceland India Ireland Israel Italy Jamaica Japan Kenya Korea Latvia Lithuania Mexico Morocco Namibia Netherlands New Zealand Nicaragua Norway Paraguay Peru Philippines Poland Porto Rico Portugal Romania Republica Dominicana Russia Serbia Singapore Slovakia Slovenia South Africa Spain Sweden Switzerland Taiwan Tanzania Thailand Turkey Ukraine United Kingdom Uruguay Venezuela Age: -

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Roy.P The Humor Zone

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT I'AM

THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.
IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG,
DANGLING LOOSELY,
READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS
AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE
AT THE OTHER.
IN USE, IT IS INSERTED,
ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY,
SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES QUICKLY,
INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING
WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION,
OFTEN QUICKLY
AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN
WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC,
PULSING SOUND,
RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN,
IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE,
SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING
AND SOME OF IT FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE
AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING,
IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST,
READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION,
HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE THREE TIMES A DAY,
BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,

THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS .........

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

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TOOTHBRUSH

what were you thinking?
You PERVERT!
Thanks to Dana

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What my mother taught me

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.
5.My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.
7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. ... Then you'll see what its like."

What Men Really Mean

1.When a guy says, "I'm going fishing"... this really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.

2.When a guy says, "It's a guy thing" .. He really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

3.When a guy asks: "Can I help with dinner" - what he really means is:"How come the dinner isn't already on the table?"

4.When a guy says, "Yes dear" - What he really means is absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5.When a man states: "It takes too long to explain." - What he really means is:"I have no idea how it works."

6.When a guy says: "Take a break honey, you're working too hard." ...What he really means is:"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

7.When a man states: "This is women's work." ... What he really means is: "This work is dirty, difficult and thankless."

8.When a guy says: "I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." ... What he really means is: "The girl selling them was a real babe."

9.When a guy says: "I was listening to you, it's just that I've got things on my mind" ...What he really means is: "I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra."

And finally...

10.When a man says, "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." What he really means is:"No one will ever see us alive again!"

"Thanks to "Bboog in Southern California" for the above.

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"Microsoft Announcement!"
RE: "Geordie Version Of Windows 98"

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version
of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle.
If you have one of the Newcastle editions you may need  some help
understanding the commands. The Newcastle edition may be recognised by
looking at the loading screen. It reads Windiz 98 with  a background
picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne
Bridge.  It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver.
Also note:  The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya shite'  Dialup
Networking is called 'Me mates'  Control Panel is known as 'How te fuck
aboot wi the settins'  The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'

 Other Features:
OK = it's alreet
cancel = fuck that
yes = aye
no= nee fuckin' chance
find = gan gerit ya fucking sel'
goto = owa there
help = ah cannit dee it
stop = divvent move
start = hadaway and shite
settings = settins
programs = stuff that dis stuff
personal folder = me shite
Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or
punctuation marks.  Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
cullarin book = a graphics package
addin masheen = calculator
tunes = CD player
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchas = a graphics viewer
dole money = accounting software
Toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Brown Ale
tax records = usually an empty file
Kappa tracksuit inventory = usually a 5 meg file
 
We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the
Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.
 



These Warning Labels
Were Noticed On Various Items
In Various Stores. 

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of
the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate 
machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outoor use
only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat
nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your 
favourite
breakfast cereal?












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